Posted by | C.J. | in News

So, what does it take for all of Texas to finally wake up and collectivly hate Jessica Simpson? Her vapid retardation becoming the personifcation of the modern Texan and in turn making her home state and everyone in it look like a redneck cretin? No, they’re cool with that. Her creepy preacher-manager dad and his lascivious fixation on her and her breasts? No, no problems there. Her awful movies which are no more than thinly veiled remakes of awful 80’s “classics” such as The Dukes of Hazzard, 9 To 5 and Private Benjamin? Nope, that doesn’t bother anyone either. Instead, it’s the all-but-certain jinx her apparently magical vagina has placed on the Dallas Cowboys. That’s right. We’ve found something Texans hate more than trying to prevent cervical cancer in women, and it’s losing football games!

The usually reserved Terrell Owens had this to say…

“Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite in this locker room or in Texas Stadium.”

Oh, DIS! In fact it’s gotten so bad, BoDog is placing odds on how long the relationship will last. For the record, It’s 2-1 it’ll last six months, and 6-1 they’ll be done within a month (and if Ali would tear herself away from Underground Boob Slapping Contests, we could have her weigh in on the odds). I’m no expert on love, but between a Professional Quarterback and a Famous Singer-Actress, I don’t see how anything could come between them. And if BoDog’s oddsmaking doesn’t top it all, there’s also a new web site entitled Ruin Romo Dot Com that has gone up to help opposing teams use the Jessica Jinx on Romo throughout the rest of the season.

So there you have it. Texas has finally come around (for the moment) on Jessica Simpson*. Now if only we could figure out a way to travel back in time, and get George Bush to hook up with Troy Aikman, and cause the Dallas Cowboys to go on some abysmal losing streak, we’ll save America!

*This of course, is only temporary as a killer rack, blonde hair and nice legs will be forgiven for all atrocities no matter how damning they may be. Just ask me, bitches!

Super Chauvanist Update: Yahoo! News has a report today Wondering If Women And Sports “Mix” which sites the experiences of fictional athletes. Enjoy!

Posted by | C.J. | in Random Posts of Randomness

Because I’ve received a few e-mails to this effect I figured I’d clear up any misconceptions and simply say that no, the three of us are not dead, it’s just that time of the month:

Christmas Shopping. Why? What’d you think I meant, perv?

No, actually, all joking aside, I have something to confess. While the official line is that Ali is still in Hawaii and Maddy is in Wis-Kahn-Sin, the real story is far more sordid. I say this because I think we’ve become close over these few months, and I hope that maybe in discussing it, I can help some of you or someone that you know or love. You see, the two have gotten sucked into a new underground form of street fighting that’s becoming more and more popular in Los Angeles. It started as a gang initation ritual a couple years back amongst the Bloods but has now taken on a life of it’s own amongst the apathetic working class. Perhaps you’ve heard of it: Boob Slapping. In fact, I don’t mean to out the two but Maddy is going by “Spanish Barbie” and Ali is using the alias “Bella” and as you’ll see from this video, their first face-off was pretty scary. I must warn you, though, the footage is graphic so if you have kids in the room you might want to tell them to leave before viewing it.

Provided you’re not too traumatized from watching that, I have to say that while my two co-bloggers may have gotten sucked into this sick sick world of violence and pervserion, I have not. In fact, I’m working hard to inform people about the dangers of Boob Slapping, and it’s sad off-shoot that high schoolers are now partipciating in: Backyard Boob Slapping.

Call me “square” if you like but I believe things like this are what’s ruining our country. Now, I know, Boob Slapping is an issue too raw and real for even most of the Presidential candidates to address (did you see Mitt Romney duck that reporter’s question about Mormon Boob Slapping? that’s gonna cost him in Iowa!). That’s why I’m going door to door in support of Mike Gravel’s campaign, as he’s the only candidate with the GUTS to even discuss this issue. In fact, if you go to his web site you can read his position on the issue, right after his thoughts on Iraq, Immigration, and Those Damn Kids With Their Loud Music And Colored Hair. In fact, if you were to ask me what I want for Christmas, I’d tell you that all I really want is to have my girls back.

Posted by | C.J. | in Weekly Picks

So, today’s post will be a little ghetto as Ali is in Hawaii and with no wifi connection has instead chosen to leave all of today’s picks on my voicemail and trust me to post them correctly. At 2AM no less. I think I got everything right, but the point is, the usual weekend run down with all its razzamatazz will be shortened this week to a small list. Don’t worry - she’ll be back in a week. Here goes…

The Money Picks:

1) Pittsburgh -3 1/2 vs Jacksonville

Take the Steelers for -3 and buy the half point down.

2) Seattle -7 1/2 vs Carolina

Take Carolina at -7 1/2

3) Tennessee -3 1/2 vs Kansas City

Take Tennessee at -3 and buy the 1/2 point down.

4) Green Bay -8 1/2 vs St. Louis

Take Green Bay at -8 1/2

5) Cleveland -5 1/2 vs Buffallo

Take Buffallo at +5 1/2

6) New Orleans -3 1/2 vs Arizona

Take New Orleans for -3 and buy the half point.

The Non-Money Picks:

1) Tampa Bay -13 1/2 vs Atlanta

Take Tampa Bay for -13 1/2

2) Batimore -3 1/2 vs Miami

Take Baltimore for -3 1/2

3) New England -23 vs NY Jets

Take the Jets +23

4) Inidanapolis -10 1/2 vs Oakland

Take the Colts at -10 1/2

5) San Diego -10 vs Detroit

Take San Diego -10

6) Dallas -10 1/2 vs Philadelphia

Buy the half point down and take Dallas for -10

7) New York Giants vs Washington Redskins

Buy the half point down and take the Giants at -4.

And finally…

The Monday Night Game:

Vikings -10 vs Chicago

Take Chicago at +10.

There you go, boys. Good luck this week, and sorry again for lameness of this post. The professional will be back next week.

Posted by | Madison | in Links

• Whoever calls plays in Pittsburgh obviously failed spatial reasoning…or geomety. (Ladies…)
• Did you know that “Bobby Petrino” and “Nick Saban” anagramizes to “pay back bonniest ribbon”?  I’m just saying.  (Signal to Noise)
• Breaking news: Bobby Petrino is off Deangelo Hall’s Christmas list.  (Awful Announcing)
• Louisville is still pissed at Bobby Petrino (The Meaningful Collateral)
• Say it ain’t so, even the Hoch gets cold?  (Afraid of Ed Hochuli)
• I love this guy.  He should try to fight Tom Brady before the season ends for a chance at capturing Kissing Suzy Kolber’s bounty.  It must be around $60 and a bag of corn chips by now.  (Doubt About It)
• The Wonderlic said one was a genius and the other legally retarded.  What’s was it my dad always told me?  Never give it up to nerds and winning is a great deodorant.  (End Zone Buzz)

Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

Unfortunately, the entire sports spotlight today was on the lowly Atlanta Falcons.

Earlier in the day Michael Vick, the team’s former franchise quarterback, was sentenced to 2 years in jail for running a dogfighting cartel.  Then in the evening, the team took to their home field against the New Orleans Saints, a team fighting for a playoff spot from a city that has gone through hell and high water - literally - and therefore had little sympathy in systematically destroying the Falcons.

The NFL loves irony more than those scruffy hipsters who wear “clever” T-shirts, gay ass skinny pants and VANS.

Yes, I’m talking to you Roddy White.

Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

The Packers, Cowboys and Seahawks clamped the chastity belts on their respective divisions today.

The Patriots did it back in Week 12.  Things are still up in the air everywhere else to varying degrees.  Tampa Bay will likely win the NFC South.  The JV Patriots are making things fun in the AFC North and though the Colts should be closing the legs of the AFC South, the Jags still have an outside shot of sticking it in.

And Chargers look to close out the AFC West before the NFL decides that it is not in the business of running a free clinic and just nukes the entire division to stop the spread of whatever ill ass STDs fermenting out there.

Chicago 16, Washington 24: A messy, messy game in Washington that looked more like an episode of ER meets the Keystone cops.  Chicago fans can rest easy now that the second coming of Sexy Rexy is over, again.  Not that this win assuages any of the feelings of the loss in the Redskins family but considering the emotional roller coaster of the past two weeks, it must feel nice.

Tampa Bay 14, Houston 28:  The first time I heard the name Sage Rosenfels being bandied about, I thought he was a she and that she was one of those hippie, Birkenstock wearing chicks that I always want to slap the shit out of for their tie dyed, patchouli smelling, ratty haired nastiness.  I mean seriously, would it kill your convictions to take a fucking bath, buy some clothes that fit and traded in those nasty ass Birkenstocks for a nice ballet flat?  Sage fucking Rosenfels.

Oakland 7, Green Bay 38:  Judging by the close calls that the Pats have with Baltimore and Philly, I think the Packers have the best shot of beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Dallas 28, Detroit 27:  It actually seemed like the Lions would keep hope alive on Jon Kitna’s entrance to the Psychic Friends Network.  Unfortunately Kitna’s own teammate Jason Hanson missed a 35-yard field goal to stab the impossible dream in the heart.  However, it wasn’t until unsympathetic cutie Tony Romo pulled a Tom Brady Joe Montana at the end of the game to officially end Kitna’s quest for prognosticator immortality and likely the playoffs.  Mike Martz called a balance offense and still lost.

St. Louis 10, Cincinnati 19:  This is how bad it’s gotten for the Rams - their starting quarterback has a name fit for a porn star.  Brock Berlin did not do too badly in his first show as the stud.  He rammed and got rammed, studiously and diligently I might add, but when it came time for the money shot, he had nothing.  Carson Palmer didn’t have a whole lot either but as the crafty veteran that he is, he was able to squeeze out just enough for the win.  Ewww.

Miami 17, Buffalo 38:  Shame on you Dick Jauron for running up the score on the Dolphins.  You know it doesn’t help you in the playoff hunt, Dick.  You could have beaten the Dolphins 24-17 and you’d still have as long of a shot as you have now.

San Diego 23, Tennessee 17 (OT):  Uncle Rico’s usually unbeatable ugly stat line (13-21. 121 yards 0 TDs and 2 INTs) got beat by the NTD riddled Chargers.  Luckily for the Bolts, Norv Turner Disease went into remission late in the 4th quarter and Albert Haynesworth got tired and dinged up.

Giants 16, Philadelphia 13:  I know, a win is a win but I just cringe as I project forward for the Giants.  If they back into the playoffs again, they’re just going to lose their wild card game.  It’s like fucking clockwork and it kills me.

Carolina 6, Jacksonville: 37: Vinny Testaverde must have forgotten to take his Ensure before suiting up for the game.

Arizona 21, Seattle 42:  So the Seahawks rolled over the Cardinals to sew up the NFC West.  Whoopdie doo.  If they had clinched the AFC East today, I’d be really impressed.  Shaun Alexander still makes me vomit spontaneously and I still think that as an organization, they don’t have heart.

Minnesota 27, San Francisco 7:  The 49ers did the impossible and stopped Purple Jesus!  Unfortunately, they couldn’t stop their own suckiness nor Chester “The Molester (of the line of scrimmage)” Taylor.  Alex Smith might be a bust?  Feh.  The Niners have Shaun fucking Hill who burned it up today going 22 of 28 for 181 with a TD and a pick.  That’s like the best QB day all season for the Niners.

Cleveland 24, Jets 18:  That’s right, Jets, forget about the JV Pats.  You’ve got bigger fish to fry, namely the Varsity Pats next week.  You did your fact finding mission against the scout team and now you have a full week to implement your intel for the game.  I like your thinking Mangina.  If you can lead the Jets to a victory next week, you will once again be the Mangenius.

Kansas City 7, Denver 41:  The Broncos ran all over the Chiefs depleted defense.  Like no one saw that coming.

Pittsburgh 13, New England 34:  It was not a good day for prognosticators.  First the possibility of fulfilling Jon Kitna’s season long quest for 10 wins was dashed in the final seconds of the Cowboys Lions game, then Steelers safety Anthony Smith, who guaranteed a win against the Patriots,  got moded…er got his team fucked up the ass on national TV.  Don’t you know that the Patriots are like the Incredible Hulk?  You don’t want to get them mad.  You won’t like them when they’re mad.  You must go into the game having everybody think you have absolutely no chance and then play the toughest, most hard hitting game of your life.  For this reason, I predict that the Jets will beat the Pats next Sunday.  If not, then Dolphins will win their first game of the season against the Pats in two weeks.  If not that, then the Giants.  And if the Pats go 16-0, then I predict that they will not win the Super Bowl.  Hey, I said it was a bad day for prognosticators.  I didn’t say it was a bad year…

Indianapolis 44, Baltimore 20:  What a serious letdown for the Ravens.  They came within a few bizarre mulligans on Monday from defeating the Patriots and then on Sunday return to the field and just get killed by the Colts.  Heartbreaking.  You know what else is heartbreaking?  Craphonso Thorpe did not play for a second week in a row yet Devin Aromashodu caught a pass for 10 yards?  Is Crappy injured?  More to the point, Tony Dungy and Tom Moore must be smoking the wacky terbackey for not calling plays for Thorpe.  And even more to the point, Thorpe and Aromashodu should be gay together, adopt a kid and name him Crappy Aroma.

Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Picks

Alikat is busy getting ready to leave for a week in Hawaii, while the rest of us are stuck here in rainy, gloomy ass Los Angeles.

What a bitch.

And she phoned in her picks. I mean, literally, after she sat with the lines and her research, she actually phoned in her picks for me to post.

Haha. The jokes on her when she finds out that Colt Brennan will be in New York for the Heisman selection.

All lines from BetOnline at Noon on 12/7

OUR MONEY PICKS

1. Giants +2.5 @ Philadelphia: Alikat says that you should buy the .5 point to get the Giants at +3. I think you should buy 50 points to get the Giants at +52.5. Like Ripley said in Aliens, “It’s the only way to be sure.”

2. San Diego @ Tennessee (Even): The Chargers seem to have their Norv Turner Disease under control so Alikat says take the Chargers. If you live in Southern California and listen to ESPN Radio, you’ll hear that STD Norv Turner do a commercial for Chargers football. Every time I hear it, I need to take a shower.

3. Cleveland -3 @ Jets: Take the Browns -3. I agree.

4. Tampa Bay -3 @ Houston: Take the Bucs -3. Again, Alikat is a genius.
THE REST OF THE DAY’S GAMES

Carolina +10.5 at Jacksonville: Take Jacksonville at -10.5

Dallas -10.5 at Detroit: Take the Cowboys at -10.5

Miami +7 at Buffalo: She says take Buffalo at -7. Every now and again, Alikat asks me how I feel about a game, not that I know anything about sports betting. That being said, this is a game that I would stay away from.

Oakland +10.5 @ Green Bay: Alikat says take the Raiders at +10.5. My gut says that Yellow and Green Jesus (Ryan Grant) will run all over the Raiders defense.

St. Louis +7.5 @ Cincinnati: Take the Rams at +7.5

Arizona +7 @ Seattle: Take the Cardinals at +7

Minnesota -8.5 @ San Francisco: Take the Vikings at -8.5. Let me guess, the Vikings game plan is going to be give it to Adrian Peterson.

Pittsburgh +10 @ New England: Alikat says take the Patriots at -10. I say pick the Steelers to win outright. Or lose by 3.

Kansas City +6.5 @ Denver: Take Denver at -6.5. Personally, I’d stay the hell away from this game.

Indianapolis -9 @ Baltimore: Take the Colts at -9.