Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

It’s fitting that it is rivalry weekend and in it, the Patriots face their dreaded rival, the bye week, a team it has never beaten.  And this week, even in the midst of their historic season, the Patriots once again cannot beat bye week, tying them once again at 0-0.  It bears mentioning that for the first time this season, Tom Brady does not throw a touch down.  Seriously, what a no talent puss.

Buffalo 13, Miami 10:  What a heartbreaker for Miami.  They controlled the ball for 37 minutes on the back of running back Jesse Chatman, had zero turnovers, went into the 4th quarter with a 10-2 lead, only to give up 11-points to lose on a 34-yard field goal with 46 seconds left.

Minnesota 0, Green Bay 34:  What have you done for us lately, Purple Jesus?  Broke the single game rushing record last week and this week, in one play, you remind all Vikings fans about the phrase “injury prone.”  Ryan Grant, aka Yellow Green Jesus resurrects the Lazarus-like Green Bay Packer running game against the Pontius Pilate led Roman empire run defense of the Vikings.  Okay, enough mixing religious metaphors.

Cleveland 28, Pittsburgh 31:  Maybe we were too quick to anoint the Steelers as the team to beat the Patriots seeing as to how much trouble they had dealing with the JV Pats.  Hopefully Coach Tomlin will use this as a learning experience.  By the way, didn’t I say that the JV Pats would make the AFC North interesting?

Jacksonville 28, Tennessee 13:  Uncle Rico had a career day going 24-41, 257, 1 TD and 2 INT which is arguably better than his regular 7-15, 101, 0 TDs and 2 INT stat line but the Titans lose.  Playing against a defensive line short of Albert “Head Buster” Haynesworth and Travis “The Boy” LaBoy, the Jaguars were able to impose their will at the line of scrimmage.  Mr. Unappreciated Fred Taylor eclipses 10,000 rushing yards for his career. 

Philadelphia 33, Washington 25:  In the battle of the screen pass offenses, Philadelphia pulls a rabbit out of its hat.  Clinton Portis should just admit that he’s a transvestite because whenever he dresses up and lets out his inner freak, he feels free and goes on to have a big game.  Is it just me or is Andy Reid is looking more and more like Mark Mangino everyday?  If I didn’t know better, I’d say they were the same person.

St. Louis 37, New Orleans 29:  Well, it had to happen sooner or later - the Rams finally somewhat healthy, win their first game.  And they did it in a big way too, beating the surging Saints.  With another game against the 49ers, the Rams may find their way out of the cellar in the NFC West.

Denver 27, Kansas City 11:  This was a “must-win” for the Broncos because if they lost, the Chiefs would have created “distance” in the AFC West standings.  The funny thing is that now with sub-.500 records, 4-5 to be exact, the Chiefs and the Broncos are tied for second in the AFC West.

Atlanta 20, Carolina 13:  The NFC’s dirrrty south is looking a whole lot like the AFC and NFC west - just a bunch of teams that don’t know how to close out games, much less divisions.

Bears 17, Raiders 6:  Yawn - oh yeah, Rexy is sexy again.  Whee.

Dallas 31, Giants 20:  Ugh.  This is the problem with the Giants; they are mentally weak.  How many times have you seen this?  Big Blue comes out of the gate fast and then just lose steam in the second half of the season?  Every year?  Don’t be surprised if the G-Men lose to the Lions next week.  I want Alec Baldwin to go into the Giants locker room and –

He’s got the time, it’s not like 30 Rock is shooting due to the Writers’ Strike.  Tony Romo is not only cool but also dreamy, except when he’s slicing and dicing my boys.  What an asshole.

Detroit 21, Arizona 31:  The sleeping Lions rush for -18 games.  I know this is a Mike Martz offense but that’s ridiculous.  Though losing to Arizona makes it a bit more difficult for the Lions to get their 4 remaining wins, they can do it by beating the Giants, Vikings, Chiefs, and San Diego.  They’ll also probably take one of their two remaining games with Green Bay.  It’s a tough road but they can do it.  Matt Millen is a genius.

Cincinnati 21, Baltimore 7:  If I told you that the Bengals would win without a touchdown scored, you would have told me that I was having an attack of the hormones.  Now, what if I were to tell you that Brian Billick needs to figure out how to score some damn points.  What would you say then?

Indianapolis 21, San Diego 23:  Can you believe it?  Just as another outbreak of Norv Turner Disease was on its sure-footed march to make the Chargers lose the game to a Colts team that had Peyton Manning throw 6 INTs and was so injury-depleted that they had some dude named Craphonso playing for Marvin Harrison, former Patriot Adam Vinatieri stabs his current team in the heart, missing the game winning chip shot field goal and giving the Chargers the win, despite NTD.  Which means that even in their bye week, the Pats are still fucking with the Colts.  Had the Bolts lost, they still would have been tied for first with the Broncos and Chiefs.  As a side note, I almost had an anuerysm laughing when I heard that Craphonso Thorpe was playing.  First of all, any name ending in “honso” is inherently funny and any name that begins with “crap” is beyond comedy.

It almost sounds Japanese - Craphonso.

You know where I’m going with this…

Wait for it…

Craphonso Takashita.

Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

For those of us expecting a slow-paced defensive battle between the Ravens and the Steelers got a nice surprise in the first half when Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers played like they were still in their Tom Brady and the Patriots costumes from Halloween last week.  Tony Kornheiser, not one for subtlety, put an extra bold point on it by mentioning Roethlisberger’s BRADY LIKE PERFORMANCE about fifty times.  It’s that Binghamton University education, if you know what I mean.

The Ravens just couldn’t get anything done.  Down by over 21 by the 2nd quarter and coughing the ball up with regularity, Brian Billick kept trying to dink and dunk his way down field.  Offensive genius?  Try just plain offensive.

By the second half, the Steelers had so thoroughly tired themselves out from beating the Ravens’ ass that though they tried to pile on (what’s up with all the pass plays in the 3rd quarter), they just didn’t have the energy to do so.  And this is what separates the Patriots from the other very fine teams in the league.  The Pats just do not get tired, bored, fatigued, remorseful, regretful, or guilty when beating a dead horse.  They will not stop and that’s what makes them scary.  Like serial killers…or the Terminator.

As was pointed out, the next real test for the Patriots on their road to perfection will be the Steelers on December 9th.  As the Colts proved, the Pats are beatable but to do it, the defense just can’t soften up and get tired (see above about how the Pats don’t).  Mike Tomlin’s thesis that football is a violent game and that games are won and lost depending on how violent you are with the other team seems like a good blueprint for taking it to the Pats.  If he can figure out why his team lost to the Cardinals and the Broncos, I like Steely McBeam’s chances to crush that wacky ass Paul Revere looking motherfucker.
In the meantime, the league can rest knowing that Pats will most definitely be shut out this week.  All you fantasy owners depending on Brady and Moss to deliver your victories, watch out.

And while the Pats and that Paul Revere revolutionary asshole sit on their asses, Steely McBeam is out in hospitals, scaring the shit out of cancer kids.

Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

If the members of the 1972 Dolphins want to taste champagne this year, they ought to be pooling together their pensions and seeing if they can hire someone to Harding-Gillooly Tom Brady and Randy Moss.  I can just imagine someone clubbing Brady’s leg with a lead pipe and him falling to the ground, crying, “WHY ME!  WHY ME!” just like Nancy Kerrigan.

As the talk about 16-0 becomes more and more intense, I’d like to offer the Pats some advice via Saints coach Sean Payton: “Don’t eat the cheese.”  Apparently, “cheese” is a metaphor for the stuff that people outside the locker room say about the Saints after impressive wins or embarrassing losses.

Reggie Bush expounds on the metaphor: “Parmesan cheese, gouda cheese, Kraft single cheese, whatever it is, any kind of cheese, people want to feed us.  It’s just staying focused and not allowing your head to get too big, because if you eat too much cheese you may get sick … especially if you’re lactose intolerant.”

What Bush fails to point out is that cheese actually has a negligible amount of lactose because the culturing process actually breaks down lactose into lactic acid.

So, for all you lactose intolerant fools, here’s the cheese -

Green Bay 33, Kansas City 22: Thanks to 20 4th quarter points, Favre joins Peyton Manning and Tom Brady making their little menage a trois of quarterbacks that have beaten the 31 other teams in the league.

Denver 7, Detroit 44: Embarrassing.  When world renowned fat ass Shaun Rogers intercepts a pass and motors in for a 66-yard touchdown, it’s just not your day and you might as well pack up your marbles and go home.  The Lions are just 4 wins away from making Jon Kitna Dionne Warwick’s new best friend.

Cincinnati 21, Buffalo 33: The atomic clock on Marvin Lewis’ tenure in Cincinnati just ticked closer to midnight with this loss.  The good news is that he’s off the crutches so it won’t be so cold hearted if the ownership decides to do it soon.  Marshawn Lynch looks like the love child of Greg Oden, Whoopie Goldberg and the Predator.

San Francisco 16, Atlanta: 20: The good news for the 49ers is that they finally got Vernon Davis involved in the offense (7 receptions for 77-yards); the bad news is that that’s about all the offense they could muster.

Carolina 7, Tennessee 20: Uncle Rico had another ugly stat line (14-23, 110, 2 INT) and yet the Titans still rolled to their sixth win.  David Carr must have felt like he was back in Houston as the Titans put him on his tush seven times.  Lendale White chewed up yards like he does cheeseburgers, racking up another 100-yard game.

Arizona 10, Tampa Bay 17:  “I’m disgusted, I’m embarrassed. I’m way too good a football player to be a part of something that we just did out there on the field,” Kurt Warner said. “I hope we have a bunch of other guys that feel the same way. That was just ridiculous, the way we played offensively.”  Warner must have thought it was 1998 Rams Day.

Washington 23, Jets 20, OT: Clinton Portis and kicker Shaun Suisham had big days as the Redskins won against the Jets in overtime.  Though this was a tough loss for the Jets, that Kellen Clemens kid, whose small town had three more stoplights than the small town that Alikat is from, is going to be a good one.

Jacksonville 24, New Orleans 41: Whatever voodoo spell those cats in N’awlins put on to remove the hex that was vexing the Saints is finally working.  The Saints have won 4 straight and have fought back to .500 behind Drew Brees’ 35-49, 445 yard effort.  Don’t look now but Quinn Gray had a very quiet 20-33, 354 yard, 2 TD day.

San Diego 17, Minnesota 35: This game is just proof that there is no cure for NTD, just suppression.  The best thing that happened for the Chargers was Antonio Cromartie’s 109-yard missed field goal return, the longest play in NFL history.  But forget about that - Purple Jesus broke the single game rushing record.  Prince better beware. There’s a new Black man in town threatening his Purpleness’ throne.

Seattle 30, Cleveland 33, OT: The JV Patriots hung in there against the NFC West leading Seahawks and put up a win in overtime.  It was so powerful even Kellen “The Soldier” Winslow cried at his locker after the game.  Though he had 4 TDs, Jamal Lewis was 260 yard short of reclaiming his single game rushing record.

Houston 24, Oakland 17: Sage Rosenfels and Ron Dayne led the Texans over the Raiders.  Can you believe?  Sage Rosenfels and Ron Dayne?  This must be science fiction, right?  The Raiders squandered a great chance to pick up a game in the AFC West since all of the other teams in the division lost today.

New England 24, Indianapolis 20: What we’re going to remember about the Game of the Century are the two big plays in the 4th quarter which led the Patriots to their win.  However, what’s key is that the Pats stopped the Colts in the red zone twice, forcing them to kick field goals.  To be honest, I’m disappointed at Bill Belichick for not trying to run up the score.  And what the hell was up with his collared shirt?  Did Roger Goodell have a chat with him about sportsmanship and fashion?

Dallas 38, Philly 17: In the telecast, John Madden defended Andy Reid as a good man and a good coach.  I’m sorry but when his home is called a “drug emporium” and his family is described as one in “crisis,” he has obviously abdicated all responsibilities as a parent and I have to wonder just how good of a man he really is.  Donovan McNabb was right; the path to winning the East does come through Philadelphia and boy, what an easy path it is.

Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

It’s been a pretty shitty two days in Denver.  First, on Sunday, on the day of the Lord, the Rockies get swept in the World Series and then have to endure an assload of Massholes rioting in their streets, running around acting a fool.  It really looked like they were celebrating as if the Catholic Church’s abuse scandal had just been thrown out of court.  Then, tonight, they lose a heartbreaker in overtime to the Green Bay Packers on the Hagiography edition of Monday Night Football on ESPN.

To be fair though, Favre did play well, though the red zone touchdown conversions proved to be rather elusive for the Packers tonight resulting in two field goals.  In fact, Favre’s two touchdown passes came from so damn far out of the red zone (82-yards and 79-yards), you have to wonder if the red zone is Favre’s Kryptonite.

The Packers also controlled the line of scrimmage and was able to run the ball effectively for the first time this season.

I totally got choked up and maybe even cried a little bit the two times they played Deanna’s video package on Favre.   Later on, in the booth, she came off a little bit tentative.  Vince Vaughn was also disappointing though his characterization about his Bears that “they have some injuries and they’re having some problems” was priceless.

Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

It was another week of slop in the NFL with really only one good game: Tampa Bay vs. Jacksonville, or as I like to say in my newscastetrix voice, “The 66% Battle of Florida.” As I was saying to Alikat while we slogged through the day’s games, this is really the doldrums of the NFL season.

It seems like the games around this point of the season fall into one of two categories:

1. The good teams mopping up the shitty teams
2. The shitty teams trying to see who wants to lose less

Meanwhile, the teams that are on the rise, those teams that were losing early in the season and are trying to salvage their season, are obviously the most interesting to watch but since they have possibly righted their ships, they are suddenly beating up on shitty/mediocre teams, thus putting them in category number one, above.

At least we drank good beer and had yummy Thai food delivered. There’s no match like Thai food and football. In fact, they go together better than American football in England.

New York Giants 13, Miami 10: This is the sort of shit that scares me about the Giants. Everybody’s talking about how they’re an offensive powerhouse this season. 13 points. Not 13 points against the Pats, mind you. 13 points against the Dolphins. Maybe they left their scoring mojo in New York. Also, this turned out to be one big coup for the NFL’s overseas marketing department, don’t you think? I mean obviously, the best way to sell American football to the English is to convince them that it’s as boring as soccer.

Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 13: The Steelers beat the Bengals again in Cincinnati. I may not be the first one to say this but Mike Tomlin is the new Marvin Lewis. The only question that remains in Cincy is whether or not the Bengals ownership is coldhearted enough to fire a dude on crutches.

Detroit 16, Chicago 7: Maybe I overestimated how much Brian Griese could elevate that moribund Bears offense. I don’t want to alarm anyone but Jon Kitna is 5 wins away from achieving Psychic Friends Network status. It will be a tough road to walk - 5 of their last 9 opponents are playoff teams - but Kitna has Jesus walking with him, so he shall not want or be scared.

Indianapolis 31, Carolina 7: Vinnie Testaverde was “shaken up” in the first half. Of course he was; he’s a 44-year old in the NFL. I’m surprised he wasn’t “broken in half.” Peyton Manning is the first quarterback in NFL history to beat the 31 other teams in the league.

Cleveland 27, St. Louis 20: The Rams scored some points. This should be considered a victory for them. The Derek Anderson led Browns, or the Pop Warner Patriots as I like to call them, is suddenly 4-3 and looking to make some “noise” in the AFC North.

Oakland 9, Tennessee 13: LenDale “I Did Haz Cheezburgerz” White had a big day putting up 133 yards. Uncle Rico must have channeled the spirit of Tarvaris Jackson with his 6 of 14, 42 yard day. Ugh…

Philadelphia 23, Minnesota 16: The match up of master vs. apprentice was actually a bit closer than the final score suggests as the Vikings wasted a few really great opportunities to pull off an upset against the Eagles. On the Vikes’ first drive into the end zone, they looked like a real, pro NFL football team. They even recovered a fumble on the ensuing kick off before reverting back to the Vikings.

Jacksonville 24, Tampa Bay 23: The game of the week! Alikat and I ended up watching this game in the afternoon just because all the other games were so damn boring. We decided that if Brett Favre and Jeff Garcia were to have a baby, that baby would be Tony Romo. Also, we’re convinced that the Jags actually meant to release Quinn Gray but because he and Byron Leftwich look so much alike, someone in the front office processed the wrong papers and when they found out, they couldn’t rescind the release orders thus, Leftwich was unceremoniously booted from the team.

Houston 10, San Diego 35: Governor Schwarzenegger was there cheering the Chargers on in what has been a tumultuous week for the folks in San Diego. He yelled, “GOAH, CHYAWGAS!” If I had the Terminator telling me to do something to inspire the people of San Diego, I’d do it. If you need to know, it’s the reason why I write on this blog and for once am not mentioning the suppression of the NTD in reference to a Chargers win…oh shit, I just did it, didn’t it?

Buffalo 13, Jets 3: My mom always taught me that if I have nothing nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all.

New Orleans 31, San Francisco 10: It’s still impossible to tell if the Saints have righted their ship. What is certain, however is that Reggie Bush, absolutely, positively abhors contact. He’s what I would like to call a football dilettante. Also, Mike Nolan is very serious about his suits.

Washington 7, New England 52: You would think that after the Cheatriots’ Videogate scandal early in the year, the Pats would be working overtime to repair their image and restore some sense of sportsmanship to their organization. But no. Instead, they act like the fat kid in school who gets pissed because the school nurse yelled at him for being a fat ass and is now going to sit on all the little kids during recess to prove that being fat is cool. You stay classy, Patriots. At least there’s one record that Brady won’t get this season; he’s only the second quarterback to beat all the other 31 teams. Watch out Colts, he’s probably pissed about that and will try to take it out on you next week in (cue hot newscaster voice): THE GAME OF THE CENTURY!! Seriously, for the love of the game, will somebody (read: Colts) stop these fuckers?

Oh, I guess it should be noted that the Red Sox won the World Series.

Whoopdee Fucking doo.

Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

The Colts defeated the Jaguars 29-7 on a hot and humid night in Jacksonville.  By the end of the game, Jack de Rio’s shirt had changed colors it was so drenched by perspiration.  Gross.David Garrard left the game and was replaced by someone who looked like Byron Leftwich.  NFL defensive linemen, please stop injuring mediocre quarterbacks and get to work taking care of the good ones.  I don’t care about Quinn Gray.  I want to see Jim Sorgi and Matt Cassel play.

Speaking of which, the Colts and the Patriots are the only two remaining undefeated teams and they play each other in two weeks on November 4th.  I am hereby kicking off what is sure to be super intense media coverage of this game two weeks early. 

If the Pats/Dallas game was nicknamed the ”Duel in Dallas,” what should be call the Pats/Colts match up?

Shootout in the Dome?

Getting Jiggy in Indy?

Someone’s Got to Lose?

Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

This was a historic, record setting Sunday. Rob Bironas had eight field goals and Amani Toomer became the Giants’ all time touchdown leader in their respective wins over the Texans and the 49ers.

And oh yeah, Tom Brady threw for a career high and team record six touchdowns but so what? I don’t know why he didn’t throw twelve. He’s such a bad quarterback, it makes me sick to my stomach.

I think KSK’s bounty of Brady’s knees may have to triple this week because desperate times call for desperate measures. We’re throwing down and I bet you the living members of the 1972 Dolphins may be willing to chip in a couple bucks too.

San Francisco 15, New York Giants 33: For me, this was like watching my parents fight. It broke my heart but I cheered anyway every time they got in a zinger.

New England 49, Miami 28: Though it would have been cool if Belichick tried to score 100, this game was as boring as watching your friend play Madden football on rookie level. Please Roger Goodell, seriously consider making Tom Brady all-time quarterback for the remainder of the schedule.

Tennessee 38, Houston 36: Offensive pants afire! Or more accurately, Rob Bironas’ leg afire!  Crazy Kerry Collins!

Tampa Bay 16, Detroit 23: As The Fanyard points out, the Lions are six wins away from Jon Kitna being inducted into the Psychic Friends’ Network…wait, is he psychic if God is talking to him? Jeff Garcia went 37 of 45 for 316 for the Bucs and they still lost.

Baltimore 14, Buffalo 19: The Ravens should be ashamed of themselves. I’m ashamed of myself for picking them to go far this year.

Atlanta 16, New Orleans 22: The bon temps rouled to a second win. Who thought this game was a little too close for comfort? Still hard to tell if the Saints have righted their ship.

Arizona 19, Washington 21: The end of this game felt like that crazy “They are who we thought they were” Cardinals/Bears game last season and the Cowboys/Bills maddness earlier this season. Alas, the Cardinals just couldn’t pull it together but before you dismiss it as typical Cardinal football, just remember that Joe Gibbs had God on his side.

Kansas City 12, Oakland 10: The Chiefs resoundingly vanquish the Raiders in their battle to be the elite team in the AFC West. Non-stop excitement! Even Priest Holmes got a few snaps.

New York Jets 31, Cincinnati 38: Nasty, just nasty.

St. Louis 6, Seattle 33: Will someone please, for the love of god, block in St. Louis? Someone’s going to get killed before too long.

Chicago 19, Philadelphia 16: I still haven’t stopped laughing that the Iggles couldn’t beat the hapless Bears. This is turning out to be a magical year for me.

Minnesota 14, Dallas 24: Now, Minnesota would really benefit from having Tom Brady as all-time quarterback. Hell, they’d be happy if they had Tom Jackson as their quarterback.

Pittsburgh 28, Denver 31: Was it just me or did the Steelers forget to play defense on the Broncos final drive?  I’m really glad that the Shanahan Last Second Field Goal Icing move seems to have fallen out of favor in the league.