Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps, Playoffs

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If I was partying like a 20-year old co-ed on spring break last week, I’m not sure how to describe what happened last night. Here’s what I remember:

The Chargers played the Patriots hard. They had their opportunities. Four times into the red zone and they came away with four field goals. Early in the game, the field goals made sense but in the second half, on those 4th-and-1’s near the goal line, the Chargers should have to gone for it. You can’t expect to stay close to the Patriots in hopes of sneaking by them at the end. In all of their close games, the Patriots have shown an uncanny ability to close games out. The only way to not get closed out on the losing end is to be ahead by a touchdown or two. This, if nothing else, is crystal clear proof that Norv Turner disease is still uncured and still terribly deadly. I assert that if Turner had played with some stones, the Chargers would have pulled off the upset of the century.

And then, in what might have been the Game of the Century, THE GIANTS WON THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP AND ARE IN THE SUPER BOWL! This has gone way better than I predicted.

What a great game, that swung back and forth, all the way into overtime. The emotional swings - holy crap - I almost chewed a hole in my Jason Sehorn (hotness!) jersey by the middle of the 4th quarter.

Suffice it to say, Big Blue was the better team on that cold ass field yesterday. They moved the ball efficiently against a good Green Bay defense and while they didn’t always come away with points, they made catches when they had to and didn’t make the dumb mental errors that they’ve always been known for.

Like a good boy, Eli kept his manhood at second base and didn’t try to do too much. Thank god.

Manhood awaits, Eli. Don’t rush it. Don’t too eager at third base and then on your way to home plate, keep it slow and steady. I know the buildup will make you crazy but stay within yourself. I don’t know if your dad, Coop, or Peyton have told you but it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean.

When it finally happens and you attain your manhood when you lead The Giants to beat the Patriots 26-21 in the Super Bowl in two weeks, you will have earned the manly right to scream, “Atari, bitches! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!

Anyway, if I acted inappropriately to any guys or Packer fans last night, I apologize. I’m not myself when THE GIANTS MAKE IT INTO THE SUPER BOWL!

Now back to sleep to nurse this nasty hangover…

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Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps, Playoffs

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If I wrote “Manning leads his team to the Championship Game,” you’d immediately assume that I was talking about Peyton and that’s why when you make assumptions, you make an ass out of u and mption.

Eli and Big Blue have made it to the NFC Championship game!  Since I’m still partying it up like a co-ed on Spring Break looking for a Joe Francis camera crew to flash, this is going to be quick.

Seattle 20, Packers 42:  Hey Seahawks fans, I guess it’s time to start packing up your lockers while singing your intro music, huh?  I mean, jeez, you get spotted 14-points in the first 5 minutes and then only manage another 6 in the remaining 55 minutes?  Bittersweet indeed.  Get to stepping…or flying or whatever the hell it is you guys do and if you want to win anything of merit, change your goddamn theme song.

Jacksonville 20, New England 31:  Yeah, yeah, the Patriots won by wearing down the Jaguars in the second half.  I get it.  They’re good.  But they’re really in for it now because next week, they have to face…

San Diego 28, Indianapolis 24:  The Bolts?!  Holy fuck.  This just goes to show that resting your starters at the end of the season only serves to hurt you, not to help you.  The Colts, as per usual, rested Manning and company in the last game of the season.  In their first playoff game, they were sloppy and undisciplined against a San Diego team that was not only handicapped by the Norv Turner Disease, but also lost LaDainian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers to injuries.  I don’t know if it was simply that the Bolts wanted it more but the Colts just weren’t (playing Craphonso Thorpe) in rhythm while…

Giants 21, Cowboys 17:  The Giants played all their starters - and played hard - in their last, “meaningless” game against the Patriots, and now, like I predicted, they have momentum and have parlayed it into a compelling playoff run.  Eli is proving more patient than I gave him credit for.  Not only did he stay at second base, he made sure that his time there was well spent, fondling my boobies for three hours and sending Big Blue into the NFC Championship game!  Talk about foreplay.

After the game, during the post-game interview, I was praying that he would look into the camera and say, “Eat this, Peyton, I got your ticket to Lambeau for next week but you’re on your own for the airfare asshole!”

Now, off to find someone to flash.

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Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps, Playoffs

roflbot.jpgEli became a Man-ning!!

Okay, let’s slow down.   He hasn’t won anything yet, just a wild card playoff game against a Tampa Bay team that could not stretch the field with Joey Galloway hurt.

But fuck it, right?  Small victories.

And this girl has been hot all night long because while Eli might not have exactly become a man, he certainly got to second base…and with ease, I might add.

That’s hot.

Plus, as I was saying to Alikat, I think Big Blue matches up nicely with a Cowboys team that features a hurt Tony Romo.  Atari, bitches - indeed.

Washington 14, Seattle 35:  I forgot to mention that while Seattle is heartless and soft, they play really, really well at home.  If that game was in Washington, the Redskins would have closed it out easy.

Jacksonville 31, Steelers 29: Who would have thought the Steelers would have so much fight in the second half?  If not for a missed gap assignment in late in the 4th quarter on that 4th and 2 32-yard scramble by David Garrard, this game could have gone the other way.  A great game.

Giants 24, Tampa Bay 14: In honor of Eli Manning’s great achievement, I present you this:

Tennessee 6, San Diego 17: This win could turn out to be the Chargers worst nightmare as they’ll have to deal with another year of the Norv Turner disease.

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Posted by | Alikat | in Weekly Recaps, Weekly Picks

Sports betting Freaks worldwide, we have finally reached the time where we all sell our collective souls for the right to BE RIGHT about WHO WE THINK is the BEST in the NFL!

I just saw Madison’s Pick’s for the Weekend and I must say I disagree: With just a couple of them.

So let’s make this clear from the beginning: Every PICK from here on out will be a MONEY PICK! After all it is the playoffs!

Redskins +3.5 @ Seahawks

I like what the Redskins have done in the wake of Sean Taylor’s Death.  It is a remarkable feat in what individuals can do when surrounded by tragic circumstances.  I also am a realist when it comes to the NFL and it’s potential Money Making Ways.  The Redskins have been on a 4 game winning streak and I think it’s due for a LOSS.

The Seahawks are 7-1 at home and they allow around 16 points per game.  They rested a bunch of starters in Week 17, so they have some energy left to play this game.  The Redskins on the other hand have had to get Cross Country after only 5 days.  The Seahawks are a very different team at HOME.  I know the SKins have been playing great with Todd Collins at QB, but I expect that to change.  Other teams have finally had a chance to get enough film on Todd Collins and they will see that he is a statue in the pocket and that with enough pressure he we wilt in the GREAT SEAHAWK SKY!

Despite the fact that the SKins will get out on the corner of the Seahawk D with Portis and Betts, the decisive factor in this game will come from the fact that the Skins have played their collective hearts out for the past month.  All of that emotion takes a toll on a team.  The Seahawks are rested and have a lot at stake if they lose.  At home they are a very different team.  I recently spoke with a sports betting guy friend of mine who said, “You can’t imagine the Sound Level that is on the field”.  It’s LOUD and that make’s it worth 3 points in Favor of the Home Team!

TAKE THE SEAHAWKS -3!  Buy down from -3.5 just to make sure you are not pushing the bet.  I fully expect the Seahawks to win by 7-10 points tomorrow!

Jags -2.5 @ Steelers

The fashionable pick here is obviously the JAGS.  Afterall they beat the Steelers just a few weeks ago and they are the much more healthy than the Steel Curtain.  Everything is pointed in the Jags favor… And that’s precisely why I Like the Steelers in this game.  I know I’m going against the grain on this one, but despite the fact that the Steelers are severely banged up, I like the fact that they are at HOME and they ARE BANGED UP!

You never want to mess with a wounded animal.  Since I grew up in the country maybe I know a little more about this subject than most.  The Steelers do not want to be shown up 2 times in the past month at HOME!  I still can’t trust David Garrard to QB a Playoff game to Victory!  Big Ben has been there before and it’s just a hunch, but a 60% hunch, that the Steelers are going to leave everything they have left in the tank to Win This Game!  It’s tough to beat the same team 2 times in a row within the same season and I see this game coming down to a Home Team (Steelers) that just needs it a little more for psychological reasons than the Favorite (Jags) do.

TAKE THE STEELERS +3.  Buy the 1/2 point if you need to from +2.5!

I will have the other playoff picks posted here tomorrow!  Have a bunch of Beer on Saturday and I’ll get you those other two picks on Saturday!

Bet Ya–

Alikat

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Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

 

The Patriots have finished the season 16-0, ending our regular season nightmare where we continued to speculate on ways they would get beat. 

To do so though, they had to endure a close game in which Eli Manning almost…almost screamed, “Atari, bitches!” to became a man.  He led the Giants starters and they fought tooth and nail for three and a half quarters only to, in true Big Blue fashion, give up a 12-point lead to lose 38-35.

All the talk now is at what cost.  Kawika Mitchell, Shawn O’Hara, and Sam Madison were injured as a result of playing on Saturday and it is unclear if they will be available for the Giants wild card game against the Bucs. 

As I have said, all this talk is ridiculous.  You know who I think the real loser here is? 

The Patriots. Seriously. 

Once again, it was proven that the Patriots are beatable IF you keep the game close by attacking the slow, aging linebackers in the middle through the first three quarters and then play strong, mentally strong football in the 4th quarter. 

Easier said than done, to be sure but look at the Pats’ close calls this season: Philly lost the game because of A.J. Feely’s hubris, the Ravens lost because of frustration due to some ticky-tack calls, and The Giants, the only team to have made the playoffs, lost against the Pats because they just couldn’t outrun the fact that they’ve lead the league in mental errors since I’ve been alive.

Did the Giants have some sort of inherent responsibility to prove this?  No, of course not.  They had an inherent responsibility to try to win the game.  And while there are no moral victories in the NFL, the other playoff teams can rest easy knowing - once and for all - that though they are 16-0, the “Greatriots” are beatable. 

Now will somebody please stand up and do the beating?   

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Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

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Unfortunately, the entire sports spotlight today was on the lowly Atlanta Falcons.

Earlier in the day Michael Vick, the team’s former franchise quarterback, was sentenced to 2 years in jail for running a dogfighting cartel.  Then in the evening, the team took to their home field against the New Orleans Saints, a team fighting for a playoff spot from a city that has gone through hell and high water - literally - and therefore had little sympathy in systematically destroying the Falcons.

The NFL loves irony more than those scruffy hipsters who wear “clever” T-shirts, gay ass skinny pants and VANS.

Yes, I’m talking to you Roddy White.

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Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

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The Packers, Cowboys and Seahawks clamped the chastity belts on their respective divisions today.

The Patriots did it back in Week 12.  Things are still up in the air everywhere else to varying degrees.  Tampa Bay will likely win the NFC South.  The JV Patriots are making things fun in the AFC North and though the Colts should be closing the legs of the AFC South, the Jags still have an outside shot of sticking it in.

And Chargers look to close out the AFC West before the NFL decides that it is not in the business of running a free clinic and just nukes the entire division to stop the spread of whatever ill ass STDs fermenting out there.

Chicago 16, Washington 24: A messy, messy game in Washington that looked more like an episode of ER meets the Keystone cops.  Chicago fans can rest easy now that the second coming of Sexy Rexy is over, again.  Not that this win assuages any of the feelings of the loss in the Redskins family but considering the emotional roller coaster of the past two weeks, it must feel nice.

Tampa Bay 14, Houston 28:  The first time I heard the name Sage Rosenfels being bandied about, I thought he was a she and that she was one of those hippie, Birkenstock wearing chicks that I always want to slap the shit out of for their tie dyed, patchouli smelling, ratty haired nastiness.  I mean seriously, would it kill your convictions to take a fucking bath, buy some clothes that fit and traded in those nasty ass Birkenstocks for a nice ballet flat?  Sage fucking Rosenfels.

Oakland 7, Green Bay 38:  Judging by the close calls that the Pats have with Baltimore and Philly, I think the Packers have the best shot of beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Dallas 28, Detroit 27:  It actually seemed like the Lions would keep hope alive on Jon Kitna’s entrance to the Psychic Friends Network.  Unfortunately Kitna’s own teammate Jason Hanson missed a 35-yard field goal to stab the impossible dream in the heart.  However, it wasn’t until unsympathetic cutie Tony Romo pulled a Tom Brady Joe Montana at the end of the game to officially end Kitna’s quest for prognosticator immortality and likely the playoffs.  Mike Martz called a balance offense and still lost.

bnbrock2qc2.gifSt. Louis 10, Cincinnati 19:  This is how bad it’s gotten for the Rams - their starting quarterback has a name fit for a porn star.  Brock Berlin did not do too badly in his first show as the stud.  He rammed and got rammed, studiously and diligently I might add, but when it came time for the money shot, he had nothing.  Carson Palmer didn’t have a whole lot either but as the crafty veteran that he is, he was able to squeeze out just enough for the win.  Ewww.

Miami 17, Buffalo 38:  Shame on you Dick Jauron for running up the score on the Dolphins.  You know it doesn’t help you in the playoff hunt, Dick.  You could have beaten the Dolphins 24-17 and you’d still have as long of a shot as you have now.

San Diego 23, Tennessee 17 (OT):  Uncle Rico’s usually unbeatable ugly stat line (13-21. 121 yards 0 TDs and 2 INTs) got beat by the NTD riddled Chargers.  Luckily for the Bolts, Norv Turner Disease went into remission late in the 4th quarter and Albert Haynesworth got tired and dinged up.

Giants 16, Philadelphia 13: 
I know, a win is a win but I just cringe as I project forward for the Giants.  If they back into the playoffs again, they’re just going to lose their wild card game.  It’s like fucking clockwork and it kills me.

Carolina 6, Jacksonville: 37:
Vinny Testaverde must have forgotten to take his Ensure before suiting up for the game.

Arizona 21, Seattle 42:  So the Seahawks rolled over the Cardinals to sew up the NFC West.  Whoopdie doo.  If they had clinched the AFC East today, I’d be really impressed.  Shaun Alexander still makes me vomit spontaneously and I still think that as an organization, they don’t have heart.

Minnesota 27, San Francisco 7:  The 49ers did the impossible and stopped Purple Jesus!  Unfortunately, they couldn’t stop their own suckiness nor Chester “The Molester (of the line of scrimmage)” Taylor.  Alex Smith might be a bust?  Feh.  The Niners have Shaun fucking Hill who burned it up today going 22 of 28 for 181 with a TD and a pick.  That’s like the best QB day all season for the Niners.

Cleveland 24, Jets 18:  That’s right, Jets, forget about the JV Pats.  You’ve got bigger fish to fry, namely the Varsity Pats next week.  You did your fact finding mission against the scout team and now you have a full week to implement your intel for the game.  I like your thinking Mangina.  If you can lead the Jets to a victory next week, you will once again be the Mangenius.

Kansas City 7, Denver 41:  The Broncos ran all over the Chiefs depleted defense.  Like no one saw that coming.

Pittsburgh 13, New England 34:  It was not a good day for prognosticators.  First the possibility of fulfilling Jon Kitna’s season long quest for 10 wins was dashed in the final seconds of the Cowboys Lions game, then Steelers safety Anthony Smith, who guaranteed a win against the Patriots,  got moded…er got his team fucked up the ass on national TV.  Don’t you know that the Patriots are like the Incredible Hulk?  You don’t want to get them mad.  You won’t like them when they’re mad.  You must go into the game having everybody think you have absolutely no chance and then play the toughest, most hard hitting game of your life.  For this reason, I predict that the Jets will beat the Pats next Sunday.  If not, then Dolphins will win their first game of the season against the Pats in two weeks.  If not that, then the Giants.  And if the Pats go 16-0, then I predict that they will not win the Super Bowl.  Hey, I said it was a bad day for prognosticators.  I didn’t say it was a bad year…

Indianapolis 44, Baltimore 20:  What a serious letdown for the Ravens.  They came within a few bizarre mulligans on Monday from defeating the Patriots and then on Sunday return to the field and just get killed by the Colts.  Heartbreaking.  You know what else is heartbreaking?  Craphonso Thorpe did not play for a second week in a row yet Devin Aromashodu caught a pass for 10 yards?  Is Crappy injured?  More to the point, Tony Dungy and Tom Moore must be smoking the wacky terbackey for not calling plays for Thorpe.  And even more to the point, Thorpe and Aromashodu should be gay together, adopt a kid and name him Crappy Aroma.

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