Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps, Playoffs

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If I was partying like a 20-year old co-ed on spring break last week, I’m not sure how to describe what happened last night. Here’s what I remember:

The Chargers played the Patriots hard. They had their opportunities. Four times into the red zone and they came away with four field goals. Early in the game, the field goals made sense but in the second half, on those 4th-and-1’s near the goal line, the Chargers should have to gone for it. You can’t expect to stay close to the Patriots in hopes of sneaking by them at the end. In all of their close games, the Patriots have shown an uncanny ability to close games out. The only way to not get closed out on the losing end is to be ahead by a touchdown or two. This, if nothing else, is crystal clear proof that Norv Turner disease is still uncured and still terribly deadly. I assert that if Turner had played with some stones, the Chargers would have pulled off the upset of the century.

And then, in what might have been the Game of the Century, THE GIANTS WON THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP AND ARE IN THE SUPER BOWL! This has gone way better than I predicted.

What a great game, that swung back and forth, all the way into overtime. The emotional swings - holy crap - I almost chewed a hole in my Jason Sehorn (hotness!) jersey by the middle of the 4th quarter.

Suffice it to say, Big Blue was the better team on that cold ass field yesterday. They moved the ball efficiently against a good Green Bay defense and while they didn’t always come away with points, they made catches when they had to and didn’t make the dumb mental errors that they’ve always been known for.

Like a good boy, Eli kept his manhood at second base and didn’t try to do too much. Thank god.

Manhood awaits, Eli. Don’t rush it. Don’t too eager at third base and then on your way to home plate, keep it slow and steady. I know the buildup will make you crazy but stay within yourself. I don’t know if your dad, Coop, or Peyton have told you but it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean.

When it finally happens and you attain your manhood when you lead The Giants to beat the Patriots 26-21 in the Super Bowl in two weeks, you will have earned the manly right to scream, “Atari, bitches! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!

Anyway, if I acted inappropriately to any guys or Packer fans last night, I apologize. I’m not myself when THE GIANTS MAKE IT INTO THE SUPER BOWL!

Now back to sleep to nurse this nasty hangover…

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Posted by | Madison | in Playoffs

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I had plans to write previews of each team leading up to tomorrow’s game but I just couldn’t decide which angle to take.  First, I don’t find anything interesting about the Chargers getting rolled by the Patriots and second, I just can’t get my hopes up for a Giants victory tomorrow.

As a fan and a bloggerix, this puts me in a bind, and being the avoidant coper that I am, that’s why there was radio silence from me through the week.  But alas, I will do my best but it’s only because I know you all depend on me.

San Diego at New England: The Bolts’ surprising run in the playoffs has even turned the O.G. Norv Turner hater, writing that he owes Turner an apology.  Pussy.   Just because you had The Clap and you took care of it shouldn’t excuse your risky, hooker ass behavior for contracting The Clap.

So while the conventional wisdom on Norval has shifted because he’s in the Championship game, Norv is useless in my book.  He inherited a very talented team, took them to the brink of disaster, was blessed to play in a weak division, played a weak Wild Card opponent, was blessed - again - to play the Choking Colts in the Divisional Round, and has now made it one game away from the Super Bowl not because of him but in spite of him.

Dumb fucking luck.

And, as the captain of the Hatetriots, dumb fucking luck is exactly what I am hoping will strike on Sunday and lift the Chargers to the Super Bowl.

Can you imagine it?  Norv Turner.  Fucking Patient Zero for the Coaching STD, leading Billy Volek, Michael Turner, and a dinged up crew into Gillette Stadium and beating Bill Belichick, and his football playing savants.  Massachusetts just might spontaneously explode.

If you are a moral person, you will be rooting for the Chargers on Sunday.

Prediction: Chargers 28, Patriots 27

New York Giants at Green Bay:  I’m sort of stuck in a bind here.  I, of course, want the Giants in the Super Bowl but I think that the Packers match up better to beat the Patriots if they actually are able to muster the giddy-up to roll the Chargers in the early game.  Plus, I don’t want my Giants to have the dubious distinction of being the team that lost to the Pats for their 16th win AND also lose to the Pats for their 19th win.

This has sort of been a dream season for us: Championship game, Eli has graduated into being a fairly decent game manager, the running game and the pass rush are both solid and I don’t want to see it end.

However, I think there is a moral responsibility for a team to beat the Patriots.  Now maybe, maybe the Giants will be able to do it.  They almost did it once.  But for me, that’s a little too much to chance.  You see, I’m a little too scarred from the 2001 Super Bowl when Big Blue lost to the Ravens.  I had to go into rehab.

So, depending on who wins the early game, I’ll either be rooting for the Giants or the Packers.  I know, it’s mercenary of me.  How can I be a true fan, you ask?

You spend a week in a strait jacket in the lady’s wing of the Mid-Hudson Mental Hygiene Center and you’ll catch my drift.

Too soon…too soon.

Prediction: If the Bolts win - Giants 31, Packers 28; If the Pats win - Giants 31, Packers 35 

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Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps, Playoffs

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If I wrote “Manning leads his team to the Championship Game,” you’d immediately assume that I was talking about Peyton and that’s why when you make assumptions, you make an ass out of u and mption.

Eli and Big Blue have made it to the NFC Championship game!  Since I’m still partying it up like a co-ed on Spring Break looking for a Joe Francis camera crew to flash, this is going to be quick.

Seattle 20, Packers 42:  Hey Seahawks fans, I guess it’s time to start packing up your lockers while singing your intro music, huh?  I mean, jeez, you get spotted 14-points in the first 5 minutes and then only manage another 6 in the remaining 55 minutes?  Bittersweet indeed.  Get to stepping…or flying or whatever the hell it is you guys do and if you want to win anything of merit, change your goddamn theme song.

Jacksonville 20, New England 31:  Yeah, yeah, the Patriots won by wearing down the Jaguars in the second half.  I get it.  They’re good.  But they’re really in for it now because next week, they have to face…

San Diego 28, Indianapolis 24:  The Bolts?!  Holy fuck.  This just goes to show that resting your starters at the end of the season only serves to hurt you, not to help you.  The Colts, as per usual, rested Manning and company in the last game of the season.  In their first playoff game, they were sloppy and undisciplined against a San Diego team that was not only handicapped by the Norv Turner Disease, but also lost LaDainian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers to injuries.  I don’t know if it was simply that the Bolts wanted it more but the Colts just weren’t (playing Craphonso Thorpe) in rhythm while…

Giants 21, Cowboys 17:  The Giants played all their starters - and played hard - in their last, “meaningless” game against the Patriots, and now, like I predicted, they have momentum and have parlayed it into a compelling playoff run.  Eli is proving more patient than I gave him credit for.  Not only did he stay at second base, he made sure that his time there was well spent, fondling my boobies for three hours and sending Big Blue into the NFC Championship game!  Talk about foreplay.

After the game, during the post-game interview, I was praying that he would look into the camera and say, “Eat this, Peyton, I got your ticket to Lambeau for next week but you’re on your own for the airfare asshole!”

Now, off to find someone to flash.

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Posted by | Madison | in Playoffs

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We have four big games on tap this weekend for the divisional round and they all look to be gems. I predicted 3 out of the 4 games in the Wild Card round and this weekend, I will be, how shall we say, raising the bar by also attempting to predict the scores.

Saturday:

Seattle at Green Bay (1:30 PM, EST): It is on tomorrow in Green Bay! The football purist in me sighs a bit but the pass-loving-throw-it-all-over-the-damn-place idiot in me is jumping for joy. Pitting pass vs. pass; Favre, the old master, vs. Hasselbeck, his apprentice who was shipped out of town; Holmgren, the old legend, vs. McCarthy, the new legend; there is simply not a better match up in the playoffs this year. The only way this shoot-out in the tundra can disappoint is if they end up not shooting it out but with the forecast a balmy 30 degrees with only a slight possibility of snow flurries, you know that they’re going to be putting the ball in the air, early and often.

Prediction: Seattle 31, Green Bay 34

Jacksonville at New England (8:00 PM, EST): This much I know: the Jags will punch the Patriots in the mouth.  How?  Well, I know that if they don’t come out and pound it at the Pats over and over and over again, they will surely lose, and since I am the captain of the Hateriots, I have to believe that the Jags will win.

Prediction: Jacksonville 30, New England 28

Sunday:

San Diego at Indianapolis (1:00 PM EST):  I think the Chargers’ prescription of Valtrex may have run out in the Wild Card round.  Like they took the whole damn bottle just to suppress Norv Turner Disease to make it to the Divisional round and now they have none left.

Prediction:  San Diego 24, Indianapolis 35

New York at Dallas (4:30 PM EST):  As a Giants fan, I LOVE this match up.  I love it, I love it, I love it.  Tony Romo is experiencing his late season burnout, has Jessica Simpson’s herpes and acne riddled face jinxing him, and has a bum thumb (it didn’t have to be like this Tony.  If you had just chosen me!).  Plus - Terrell Owens is not 100% with a high ankle sprain and two assistant coaches are off entertaining head coaching interviews.  I don’t cook but I can recognize a recipe for disaster from a mile away.  And I love it.  Eli just needs to be content and stay at second base with his manhood.   If he doesn’t try to steal third, Big Blue should have this game pretty well in hand.

Prediction: Giants 27, Dallas 20 

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Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps, Playoffs

roflbot.jpgEli became a Man-ning!!

Okay, let’s slow down.   He hasn’t won anything yet, just a wild card playoff game against a Tampa Bay team that could not stretch the field with Joey Galloway hurt.

But fuck it, right?  Small victories.

And this girl has been hot all night long because while Eli might not have exactly become a man, he certainly got to second base…and with ease, I might add.

That’s hot.

Plus, as I was saying to Alikat, I think Big Blue matches up nicely with a Cowboys team that features a hurt Tony Romo.  Atari, bitches - indeed.

Washington 14, Seattle 35:  I forgot to mention that while Seattle is heartless and soft, they play really, really well at home.  If that game was in Washington, the Redskins would have closed it out easy.

Jacksonville 31, Steelers 29: Who would have thought the Steelers would have so much fight in the second half?  If not for a missed gap assignment in late in the 4th quarter on that 4th and 2 32-yard scramble by David Garrard, this game could have gone the other way.  A great game.

Giants 24, Tampa Bay 14: In honor of Eli Manning’s great achievement, I present you this:

Tennessee 6, San Diego 17: This win could turn out to be the Chargers worst nightmare as they’ll have to deal with another year of the Norv Turner disease.

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Jan
04

Playoffs?!

Posted by | Madison | in Playoffs

 

Yes, Jim Sr, the playoffs start on Saturday and we are going to talk about them.  If we revisit our pre-season predictions, some of us (Alikat and CJ) did better than others (me). But hell if that’s going to stop me from previewing the slate of Wild Card games that start on Saturday.

 

Saturday:

 

Washington (9-7) at Seattle (10-6), 4:30 EST: I’ve said it before and I will say it again - I think Seattle is heartless. And I don’t mean “heartless” in the “ruthless” way, I mean heartless in the “soft” way. “Wah,” you Seahawk fans cry, “we won the west! What more do we have to prove?” Shut the hell up. Winning the NFC West (like winning the AFC West) this year was like winning Miss Congeniality at a pageant of autistic kids. If there’s a team in the playoffs playing with more “heart” than the Washington Redskins, I’d like for you let me know which team that is.

 

Winner: Washington

 

Jacksonville (11-5) at Pittsburgh (10-6), 8:00 EST: Though I like the Jaguars, that nasty ass Heinz field might be the big equalizer in this game. Luckily for the Jags, the Steelers will have to play on the same field as well. I’m seeing a reprise of the Miami vs. Pittsburgh game.

 

Winner: Jacksonville

 

Sunday:

 

New York Giants (10-6) vs. Tampa Bay (9-7), 1:00 EST: People always ask me why I’m so negative about the Giants even though I am so hopelessly devoted to them. It’s because as a fan I just can’t afford to let my expectations get too high. They’ve ruined me one too many times. They’re like that great guy you meet in the club who is full of potential and only after you get involved with him do you find out that he actually has terrible judgment, is immature and lazy, and an inveterate gambler, but you just can’t leave him because he’s so damn hot and he gives you affection.

 

Yeah…I’m that girl.

 

So my usually negative take on this game is that the Tampa defense will stifle Retardi Manning and Big Blue will once again ungracefully exit the playoffs.

 

However, I also have an unusually positive take that the Giants might have actually fortified by playing the Patriots hard last Saturday and gained some much needed momentum for Eli to finally…FINALLY…become a man.

 

Winner: Giants (but don’t tell anybody)

 

Tennessee (10-6) at San Diego (11-6), 4:30 EST: This is one hot mess of a game. I’d love the Titans if Albert Haynesworth was fully healthy. I’d love the Chargers if Norv Turner weren’t their coach. If Uncle Rico is out, Kerry Collins is one of the key players who has had some success in the playoffs but I’m still pissed at him for not winning the Super Bowl for the Giants seven years ago against the Ravens, so for that…

 

Prediction: San Diego

 

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