The Packers, Cowboys and Seahawks clamped the chastity belts on their respective divisions today.
The Patriots did it back in Week 12. Things are still up in the air everywhere else to varying degrees. Tampa Bay will likely win the NFC South. The JV Patriots are making things fun in the AFC North and though the Colts should be closing the legs of the AFC South, the Jags still have an outside shot of sticking it in.
And Chargers look to close out the AFC West before the NFL decides that it is not in the business of running a free clinic and just nukes the entire division to stop the spread of whatever ill ass STDs fermenting out there.
Chicago 16, Washington 24: A messy, messy game in Washington that looked more like an episode of ER meets the Keystone cops. Chicago fans can rest easy now that the second coming of Sexy Rexy is over, again. Not that this win assuages any of the feelings of the loss in the Redskins family but considering the emotional roller coaster of the past two weeks, it must feel nice.
Tampa Bay 14, Houston 28: The first time I heard the name Sage Rosenfels being bandied about, I thought he was a she and that she was one of those hippie, Birkenstock wearing chicks that I always want to slap the shit out of for their tie dyed, patchouli smelling, ratty haired nastiness. I mean seriously, would it kill your convictions to take a fucking bath, buy some clothes that fit and traded in those nasty ass Birkenstocks for a nice ballet flat? Sage fucking Rosenfels.
Oakland 7, Green Bay 38: Judging by the close calls that the Pats have with Baltimore and Philly, I think the Packers have the best shot of beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl.
Dallas 28, Detroit 27: It actually seemed like the Lions would keep hope alive on Jon Kitna’s entrance to the Psychic Friends Network. Unfortunately Kitna’s own teammate Jason Hanson missed a 35-yard field goal to stab the impossible dream in the heart. However, it wasn’t until unsympathetic cutie Tony Romo pulled a Tom Brady Joe Montana at the end of the game to officially end Kitna’s quest for prognosticator immortality and likely the playoffs. Mike Martz called a balance offense and still lost.
St. Louis 10, Cincinnati 19: This is how bad it’s gotten for the Rams - their starting quarterback has a name fit for a porn star. Brock Berlin did not do too badly in his first show as the stud. He rammed and got rammed, studiously and diligently I might add, but when it came time for the money shot, he had nothing. Carson Palmer didn’t have a whole lot either but as the crafty veteran that he is, he was able to squeeze out just enough for the win. Ewww.
Miami 17, Buffalo 38: Shame on you Dick Jauron for running up the score on the Dolphins. You know it doesn’t help you in the playoff hunt, Dick. You could have beaten the Dolphins 24-17 and you’d still have as long of a shot as you have now.
San Diego 23, Tennessee 17 (OT): Uncle Rico’s usually unbeatable ugly stat line (13-21. 121 yards 0 TDs and 2 INTs) got beat by the NTD riddled Chargers. Luckily for the Bolts, Norv Turner Disease went into remission late in the 4th quarter and Albert Haynesworth got tired and dinged up.
Giants 16, Philadelphia 13: I know, a win is a win but I just cringe as I project forward for the Giants. If they back into the playoffs again, they’re just going to lose their wild card game. It’s like fucking clockwork and it kills me.
Carolina 6, Jacksonville: 37: Vinny Testaverde must have forgotten to take his Ensure before suiting up for the game.
Arizona 21, Seattle 42: So the Seahawks rolled over the Cardinals to sew up the NFC West. Whoopdie doo. If they had clinched the AFC East today, I’d be really impressed. Shaun Alexander still makes me vomit spontaneously and I still think that as an organization, they don’t have heart.
Minnesota 27, San Francisco 7: The 49ers did the impossible and stopped Purple Jesus! Unfortunately, they couldn’t stop their own suckiness nor Chester “The Molester (of the line of scrimmage)” Taylor. Alex Smith might be a bust? Feh. The Niners have Shaun fucking Hill who burned it up today going 22 of 28 for 181 with a TD and a pick. That’s like the best QB day all season for the Niners.
Cleveland 24, Jets 18: That’s right, Jets, forget about the JV Pats. You’ve got bigger fish to fry, namely the Varsity Pats next week. You did your fact finding mission against the scout team and now you have a full week to implement your intel for the game. I like your thinking Mangina. If you can lead the Jets to a victory next week, you will once again be the Mangenius.
Kansas City 7, Denver 41: The Broncos ran all over the Chiefs depleted defense. Like no one saw that coming.
Pittsburgh 13, New England 34: It was not a good day for prognosticators. First the possibility of fulfilling Jon Kitna’s season long quest for 10 wins was dashed in the final seconds of the Cowboys Lions game, then Steelers safety Anthony Smith, who guaranteed a win against the Patriots, got moded…er got his team fucked up the ass on national TV. Don’t you know that the Patriots are like the Incredible Hulk? You don’t want to get them mad. You won’t like them when they’re mad. You must go into the game having everybody think you have absolutely no chance and then play the toughest, most hard hitting game of your life. For this reason, I predict that the Jets will beat the Pats next Sunday. If not, then Dolphins will win their first game of the season against the Pats in two weeks. If not that, then the Giants. And if the Pats go 16-0, then I predict that they will not win the Super Bowl. Hey, I said it was a bad day for prognosticators. I didn’t say it was a bad year…
Indianapolis 44, Baltimore 20: What a serious letdown for the Ravens. They came within a few bizarre mulligans on Monday from defeating the Patriots and then on Sunday return to the field and just get killed by the Colts. Heartbreaking. You know what else is heartbreaking? Craphonso Thorpe did not play for a second week in a row yet Devin Aromashodu caught a pass for 10 yards? Is Crappy injured? More to the point, Tony Dungy and Tom Moore must be smoking the wacky terbackey for not calling plays for Thorpe. And even more to the point, Thorpe and Aromashodu should be gay together, adopt a kid and name him Crappy Aroma.
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