Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

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Was it just me or were there more announcer misspeaks this week than in recently memory? Brian Baldinger and Dick Stockton, the team of misinformation who always work the B-team of the Fox national broadcast, had about fifteen moments when I just cringed at what came out of their mouth. The worst was when Baldy told all of America that “Atari” is Japanese for attack and that it was a fitting name for Green Bay Packers safety Atari Bigby who was always on the attack from his position.

In truth, Atari comes from the Japanese ataru, which means to aim or to target and can be translated to “prepare to be be attacked,” which kind of means exactly the opposite of what Baldy was saying. I didn’t know this at the time but when he said it, I knew it must be wrong so I did a little research to confirm my suspicions.

On a personal note, I’d like to thank Baldy and Stockton for their misinformation because now I have four reasons why I sometimes wish I was a man:

  1. Being able to play professional sports in a league that isn’t laughed at
  2. Peeing while upright
  3. Not having a monthly visitor
  4. And the new, fourth reason I sometimes wish I were a man is that if I were a dude, I would be a porn star whose trademark was yelling, “ATARI, BITCHES!” at every money shot.

(warning: another bukkake reference to come, pun sorta intended)

Carolina 17, Green Bay 31: As Baldy and Stockton awfully announced the Battle of AARP quarterbacks, they related a story about how Vinny Testaverde, who makes a point of not watching the opposing quarterback, was on the sidelines when both Brett Favre and Tom Brady took the reins of their teams. They were the only two QBs he made a point to watch. If this is true, because with Baldy and Stockton, you can never be too sure, Vinny Testaverde is a quarterback kingmaker and Aaron Rogers should have spiked Favre’s Metamucil or something to get on the field to see if he would pass the Testaverde test.

New Orleans 10, Houston 23: With George Bush Sr. in Houston for the coin flip, you had to know that this game would be bad for the Saints. Apparently, the Bushes are still not done fucking with New Orleans.

Miami 7, Philly 17: Like the Patriots, Miami continues its quest for the perfect season. Does anyone else find it interesting that the Patriots are on the path to beat Miami’s 1972 unbeaten record while Miami of 2007 is on a path to set a new record for futility? In an interesting subplot, two Black quarterbacks are replaced by white ones; Cleo Lemon by John Beck and Donovan McNabb by A.J. Feeley. I wonder what the injured McNabb has to say about this development. Where was Kevin Kolb?

Tampa Bay 31, Atlanta 7: The Bucs create some separation in the NFC South by asserting defensive and offensive dominance over the Falcons. While I do like the Bucs in this division, I wouldn’t get too excited since this big win was over the Falcons after all.

Kansas City 10, Indianapolis 13: Adam Vinatieri misses another field goal but makes the game winner in the waning seconds of the game to help the injured Colts limp past the Chiefs. While some think that Vinatieri is no longer an elite kicker, we rather prefer the theory that Vinatieri was sent by evil mastermind Bill Belichick to the Colts on a secret mission to screw them on field goals. It’s like one half of The Departed and only Belichick knows that Vinatieri is undercover. Craphonso Thorpe caught one ball for six yards, a crappy day by anyone’s standards.

Arizona 35, Cincinnati 27: How much longer is Marvin Lewis going to keep his job? In trying to construct a monster defense, he has not only failed miserably, but succeeded in putting together a team full of knuckleheads and criminals. As for the Cardinals, they keep pace with the Seahawks staying two games out of the lead in the NFC west.

Cleveland 33, Baltimore 30 (OT): If you told me that the combined score for this game was going to be 63 points, I would have said that the JV Pats had to score at least 60 of those points. If you told me that there would be some crazy field goal shenanigans at the end of the game, I would have believed you but figured it for the Shanahan Ice Move. What I’m saying is that I’m kind of an idiot about the AFC north.

Giants 16, Detroit 10: Last week, I predicted that the Giants would lose this game. Thankfully, I was wrong. It does bear mentioning that Big Blue only managed 16 points against the Lions’ defense. Maybe I’m just being a pessimistic fan but I smell the classic Giant downward spiral brewing, like a fucking hurricane.

Oakland 22, Minnesota 29: One week after Purple Jesus was crucified on Golgotha, Chester D-Line Molester proverbially diddles the Raiders in the swimming suit area.

San Diego 17, Jacksonville 24: Quinn Gray beat the Chargers and Peyton Manning did not? Are you serious? This game proves that the Chargers cannot always depend on the other team to save them from Norv Turner Disease as the Colts did last week. We did our NTD Awareness Day last week. What are you doing to help the Chargers?

Rams 13, San Francisco 9: The Battle for Last Place in the NFC West absolutely lives down to its dreadful, horrid billing.

Washington 23, Cowboys 28: It didn’t look too good for the Cowboys in the beginning of the game when Tony Romo took that shot to the face like his name was Jenna Jameson. And while the Redskins, with their improving offense, tried to play the role of Dale DaBone, it was in fact the Cowboys who pull out, scream “ATARI, BITCHES” before another bukkake all over the face of the NFC East.

Pittsburgh 16, Jets 19: Maybe I’m drinking too much Haterade but I think that this huge upset loss actually puts the Steelers in a better position to beat the Pats in a few weeks. Hopefully, Mike Tomlin will have learned something from struggling against the JV Pats and losing to Belichick’s former assistant.

Bears 23, Seattle 30: Yes, it’s true that Lovie brought Rexy back. Some people have been confounded by this move. Lovie, for a man with your name, I get what you meant to do and I can hang with it. Unfortunately, you were off by just one letter. Lovie, it goes:

I’m bringing sexy back
Them other boys don’t know how to act
I think it’s special, what’s behind your back
So turn around and I’ll pick up the slack

Patriots 56, Bills 10: This televised execution of the Bills got so damn boring that I just switched over to CNN’s repeat of last week’s Democratic Presidential Debate. I’m curious about what the Democratic hopefuls think about the Patriots going for it on 4th and 1 at the Bills 10 leading by 35 points in the 3rd quarter. Personally, I’m all for going for it on 4th but when you’re leading by that much, you kick the field goal. Kevin Everett made a miraculous comeback to watch this crap? If I were him, I’d do a driveby all through Foxboro.

I just switched back and I had to rub my eyes because the Patriots show signs of weakness. They are punting with 4th and inches and 3:56 left. Ah, no wonder Belichick keeps that asshole punter on the bench; he punted it out of the endzone. The idiot couldn’t pin it on the one-yard line. Al Michaels just characterized the Patriots as “Jonestown.” I couldn’t agree more. That’s decidedly NOT awful announcing.

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1 Comment

1.

Comment by Hot Chicks Hot Picks Sports Betting Blog on 2008-01-02

[…] though, they had to endure a close game in which Eli Manning almost…almost screamed, “Atari, bitches!” to became a man.  He led the Giants starters and they fought tooth and nail for three and […]


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