Posted by | Madison | in Weekly Recaps

If the members of the 1972 Dolphins want to taste champagne this year, they ought to be pooling together their pensions and seeing if they can hire someone to Harding-Gillooly Tom Brady and Randy Moss.  I can just imagine someone clubbing Brady’s leg with a lead pipe and him falling to the ground, crying, “WHY ME!  WHY ME!” just like Nancy Kerrigan.

As the talk about 16-0 becomes more and more intense, I’d like to offer the Pats some advice via Saints coach Sean Payton: “Don’t eat the cheese.”  Apparently, “cheese” is a metaphor for the stuff that people outside the locker room say about the Saints after impressive wins or embarrassing losses.

Reggie Bush expounds on the metaphor: “Parmesan cheese, gouda cheese, Kraft single cheese, whatever it is, any kind of cheese, people want to feed us.  It’s just staying focused and not allowing your head to get too big, because if you eat too much cheese you may get sick … especially if you’re lactose intolerant.”

What Bush fails to point out is that cheese actually has a negligible amount of lactose because the culturing process actually breaks down lactose into lactic acid.

So, for all you lactose intolerant fools, here’s the cheese -

Green Bay 33, Kansas City 22: Thanks to 20 4th quarter points, Favre joins Peyton Manning and Tom Brady making their little menage a trois of quarterbacks that have beaten the 31 other teams in the league.

Denver 7, Detroit 44: Embarrassing.  When world renowned fat ass Shaun Rogers intercepts a pass and motors in for a 66-yard touchdown, it’s just not your day and you might as well pack up your marbles and go home.  The Lions are just 4 wins away from making Jon Kitna Dionne Warwick’s new best friend.

Cincinnati 21, Buffalo 33: The atomic clock on Marvin Lewis’ tenure in Cincinnati just ticked closer to midnight with this loss.  The good news is that he’s off the crutches so it won’t be so cold hearted if the ownership decides to do it soon.  Marshawn Lynch looks like the love child of Greg Oden, Whoopie Goldberg and the Predator.

San Francisco 16, Atlanta: 20: The good news for the 49ers is that they finally got Vernon Davis involved in the offense (7 receptions for 77-yards); the bad news is that that’s about all the offense they could muster.

Carolina 7, Tennessee 20: Uncle Rico had another ugly stat line (14-23, 110, 2 INT) and yet the Titans still rolled to their sixth win.  David Carr must have felt like he was back in Houston as the Titans put him on his tush seven times.  Lendale White chewed up yards like he does cheeseburgers, racking up another 100-yard game.

Arizona 10, Tampa Bay 17:  “I’m disgusted, I’m embarrassed. I’m way too good a football player to be a part of something that we just did out there on the field,” Kurt Warner said. “I hope we have a bunch of other guys that feel the same way. That was just ridiculous, the way we played offensively.”  Warner must have thought it was 1998 Rams Day.

Washington 23, Jets 20, OT: Clinton Portis and kicker Shaun Suisham had big days as the Redskins won against the Jets in overtime.  Though this was a tough loss for the Jets, that Kellen Clemens kid, whose small town had three more stoplights than the small town that Alikat is from, is going to be a good one.

Jacksonville 24, New Orleans 41: Whatever voodoo spell those cats in N’awlins put on to remove the hex that was vexing the Saints is finally working.  The Saints have won 4 straight and have fought back to .500 behind Drew Brees’ 35-49, 445 yard effort.  Don’t look now but Quinn Gray had a very quiet 20-33, 354 yard, 2 TD day.

San Diego 17, Minnesota 35: This game is just proof that there is no cure for NTD, just suppression.  The best thing that happened for the Chargers was Antonio Cromartie’s 109-yard missed field goal return, the longest play in NFL history.  But forget about that - Purple Jesus broke the single game rushing record.  Prince better beware. There’s a new Black man in town threatening his Purpleness’ throne.

Seattle 30, Cleveland 33, OT: The JV Patriots hung in there against the NFC West leading Seahawks and put up a win in overtime.  It was so powerful even Kellen “The Soldier” Winslow cried at his locker after the game.  Though he had 4 TDs, Jamal Lewis was 260 yard short of reclaiming his single game rushing record.

Houston 24, Oakland 17: Sage Rosenfels and Ron Dayne led the Texans over the Raiders.  Can you believe?  Sage Rosenfels and Ron Dayne?  This must be science fiction, right?  The Raiders squandered a great chance to pick up a game in the AFC West since all of the other teams in the division lost today.

New England 24, Indianapolis 20: What we’re going to remember about the Game of the Century are the two big plays in the 4th quarter which led the Patriots to their win.  However, what’s key is that the Pats stopped the Colts in the red zone twice, forcing them to kick field goals.  To be honest, I’m disappointed at Bill Belichick for not trying to run up the score.  And what the hell was up with his collared shirt?  Did Roger Goodell have a chat with him about sportsmanship and fashion?

Dallas 38, Philly 17: In the telecast, John Madden defended Andy Reid as a good man and a good coach.  I’m sorry but when his home is called a “drug emporium” and his family is described as one in “crisis,” he has obviously abdicated all responsibilities as a parent and I have to wonder just how good of a man he really is.  Donovan McNabb was right; the path to winning the East does come through Philadelphia and boy, what an easy path it is.